An emotion? A sensation? A learned response to a stimuli? A biochemical reaction? Perhaps love is different for each person—defined by one’s own experiences. I remember a line from the movie The Devil’s Advocate in which the Devil as played in human form by Al Pacino bluntly stated that love is “biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.” I love chocolate and I loved it even more in my early 20’s before my metabolism revolted against my gluttonous ways. But no matter how much chocolate I have ever eaten in one sitting, I have never felt an overwhelming sensation of longing or care. And I am quite sure that when others say it is orgasmic they are joking--I hope. Sure it tasted great, but it was not the same as love.
One thing I have learned is that love is not something that can be stripped down and explained by a single definition. Love can also take many forms. I love my parents. I love my brothers. I love my nieces and nephews. I love my friends. I have dearly loved the wonderful pets in my life. But my love for each is different. Moreover, my love changes—it evolves. The love I have for my parents now is much different than it was when I was a child or when I was a teenager. I have always cared about them, but now as I see them growing older and in failing health, I now find myself feeling like the concerned parent. My love for my brothers, especially the closest one, has gone from a friendship to a camaraderie that is unbreakable.
And although I always wanted children, I don’t have any, and likely never will. But in my life pets have filled that role for me. As long as I can remember, I have always loved animals. It seems the wounded or homeless animals have always found their way into my hands—and I remember most all of them. I regularly risk my own life to rescue a turtle crossing a road. I know no other way of living than to have love and compassion in my heart and life. This is not something that was fostered or encouraged by my parents, it is just who I am. It is my love.
One thing I have learned is that love is not something that can be stripped down and explained by a single definition. Love can also take many forms. I love my parents. I love my brothers. I love my nieces and nephews. I love my friends. I have dearly loved the wonderful pets in my life. But my love for each is different. Moreover, my love changes—it evolves. The love I have for my parents now is much different than it was when I was a child or when I was a teenager. I have always cared about them, but now as I see them growing older and in failing health, I now find myself feeling like the concerned parent. My love for my brothers, especially the closest one, has gone from a friendship to a camaraderie that is unbreakable.
And although I always wanted children, I don’t have any, and likely never will. But in my life pets have filled that role for me. As long as I can remember, I have always loved animals. It seems the wounded or homeless animals have always found their way into my hands—and I remember most all of them. I regularly risk my own life to rescue a turtle crossing a road. I know no other way of living than to have love and compassion in my heart and life. This is not something that was fostered or encouraged by my parents, it is just who I am. It is my love.
But what about LOVE? The love for someone other than a relative? What about a love that engulfs you and leaves you thinking I want to spend the rest of my life with that person. What about a love that so consumes you that you cannot focus on anything else but getting back home to that person? Sadly, some people do not believe in something like that. There are those who believe that love is not important but what is important is whether that person gives you stability and is a good provider. Often this is cultural. How sad it is to me when parents and children do not say I love you. Other times it is a result of bad experiences in relationships or a loss of hope.
I don’t think I have really found true love as I believe it to be. Sure I have been in love with women and been in serious relationships with them. I loved them and would have done anything for them. But, I chose poorly or I have settled. I have wrongly hoped that I could change a woman into what I want her to be. I have believed that if I spent enough time pouring out my soul and showing my love that my partner would reciprocate. They never have. They were not bad women, but they looked at love differently. I know there are women out there who feel as I do, but I have found it is not easy finding the right one. I think it is a case of cruel irony that there are so many people in this world yet it is so hard to find someone you would not hesitate to die for and have them feel the same.
I don’t think I have really found true love as I believe it to be. Sure I have been in love with women and been in serious relationships with them. I loved them and would have done anything for them. But, I chose poorly or I have settled. I have wrongly hoped that I could change a woman into what I want her to be. I have believed that if I spent enough time pouring out my soul and showing my love that my partner would reciprocate. They never have. They were not bad women, but they looked at love differently. I know there are women out there who feel as I do, but I have found it is not easy finding the right one. I think it is a case of cruel irony that there are so many people in this world yet it is so hard to find someone you would not hesitate to die for and have them feel the same.
Well, that’s about all I have for now. These are my random thoughts. This is my love.
A nice guy like you will meet someone. Before you know it, you'll have five children. Very nice post.
ReplyDeleteDear Ray:
ReplyDeleteThis gave me hope, it really did, because I could have written it myself. Su told me to read it because of a(nother) relationship that didn't work out. Right people, wrong time.
Like you, I refuse to settle for anything less than I want to share and also like you, I know it's out there. Somewhere, someday, I'll meet someone who wants to cherish me as much as I will them and nothing will come between us. Not time, distance, nothing.
Epic love is out there and you just reminded me of that. So, thank you and bless you.
Thank you so much Sidney. It's easy to become jaded, cynical, and discouraged, but I will never lose hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you ReadWriteLuv. I want kids, but I'll start with finding love first.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful post and exactly what I feel. I want to add another kind of character and that's those people who simply can't be alone and therefore have relationships, hopping from one to another. If someone doesn't suffer after a relationship breaks, it wasn't love, it was merely convenient.
ReplyDeleteI believe we all crave love in one way or another. It's just so difficult to find the one perfect love. They say it comes when you expect it the least. :-)
I drafted a comment to this post but it got deleted because it was just too long and one of the cookies lapsed, whatever happened, I have to rewrite my comment now, which is not so bad after all. Gave me time to structure my thoughts a bit better. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYour post made me think a lot. Love. It’s very complex and weird. I think your idea of love if what you make of it, as you said it so correctly, it evolves with you. Finding the right person to share that evolution with you is the hardest thing. The love you fell for your parents as a child is different than the one you feel now. That transformation is natural and sometimes painful, when you’re in a relationship and the person you’re with does not want to change.
You said your feelings were not reciprocated in some of the relationships you were in, and that you wanted the other person to change. I learned one lesson from my failed marriage. You can’t change people. They are who they are, and will always be this way. Love is a wonderful thing at first, because when you’re in love, you see things with a blinded eye. You have great expectations and think that it will just all work out perfectly because you love. Love is the answer to everything. Being in love is wonderful. Working on a relationship is a different story. Love will not be the only element anymore. Trust, friendship, loyalty, respect will come into play. Some people take these elements for granted when they talk about love, but they’re not always part of the equation. I don’t mean to be pessimistic here. Love, like in Romeo and Juliet, does not last. This is called passion. Love is a different feeling that grows with time and like a good friendship, lasts forever.
Love also depends on what your vision of love is, the way you experienced it when you grew up. Watching your mum and dad in their relationship shapes us to better understand love. I remember, as a child, I thought I would get married, have kids, and be happy like my parents, even if their relationship was far from perfect. When I grew older, I witnessed my parents fight and I thought, they will get divorced. I always heard my mum complain about how miserable she was with my father, and I thought, wow she really would like to be alone but she can’t because of her obligations towards me and the life she built with him. After all these years, it would be too hard to move on and start fresh. When I turned 21, my father went to the hospital to undergo heart surgery. He left for several weeks (rehab included), and left my mum and me alone. I thought, my mum will finally be happy now. But she wasn’t. She was miserable. And I didn’t understand.
Then I fell in love. I thought he was the one. I married him. Now I’m divorcing him. The way I looked at love was not the way he did. It’s funny, or sad, either way you want to look at it, how we both had a total different vision of how to spend our lives together. The evolution would never had happened. I looked one way, and he looked in the opposite direction. It was not something that struck me when we were in love.
I think that people who decide to give up on love after one bad experience or even two, or three, or ten, are cowards. But…. I understand why they do it. Love takes effort, and time, and demands sacrifices. It is an every day battle. All the things that seemed so sweet and easy at first now become hard and frustrating. Falling in love just happens to you; staying in love requires dedication that not everybody wants to take.
Nevertheless, you should not give up on finding your love. There’s a lid for every pot out there. Even the broken pots. If you need somebody who’s as willing to give as you are, then you’ll be in heaven, and bad times as well as good times, will be just bliss.
And I meant to say "If you find somebody who’s as willing to give as you are, then you’ll be in heaven, and bad times as well as good times, will be just bliss."
ReplyDeleteThis post could've been written by me. I've been married, I've had long term relationships, some live-in; some not. I have children and a grandson. I have a cat I adore, friends I love and admire; my father was my hero and even six years after his death, I still cry over him. I have an elderly mom who I know loves me in her way...so I've known love in many shapes.
ReplyDeleteI agree that any love you feel for anyone continually evolves. My last relationship ended almost a year ago after a few months and the one prior to that ended two years ago after 4 years of living together. What I realize is that all of my former partners did love me...they just loved me the only way they knew how, their way -- not how I thought love would be.
It would be nice to meet someone who viewed love in the same way as I do, but it's ok if I don't. The thing is Ray, and I say this from experience, the thing is to love yourself. If it's meant to be, it will happen because your love for yourself will shine through. There's love all around you. It may just be that it's different than you expect.
I sense a sensitive, loving soul in you. Your love will one day come and they will consider themselves lucky because they are.
Continue on your way in the way that you are and you will see that what I have said is true.
Minnie
Well said. And like ReadWriteLuv, I think it's too soon to take yourself out of the game. You're a great guy, and with a bit of luck you still might be able to find the love you're looking for. So if it's really important to you, don't give up!
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